Saturday, October 2, 2010


A Few Senior Moments For My Contemporaries - and something to look forward to for my 'younger' audience.


An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants..'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write i t down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizenship to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

The Truth About Sex Addiction

When sex becomes an addiction
Still, plenty of questions surround sexual obsession: Does it mean you're addicted to sex if you're doing it three times a day? How do you separate the addicts from otherwise healthy people who just happen to really, really love having sex? Relationship expert Amanda Kane explains the difference: "Generally, a person with a sex addiction gains little satisfaction from the sexual acting-out and forms no emotional bond with his or her sex partners." So if you find yourself using men just for sex, you might have an addiction problem. For some addicts, it is the only way they know to relieve anxiety and cope with stress. This is very different from super-passionate couples who link sex with love and emotional connection.

Another key point is compulsion: "Sex addiction has the hallmarks of other addictions (i.e. alcohol or drug addiction) because it involves a recurrent failure to control sexually acting-out," stresses Kane. It's a red flag if you engage in multiple behaviors (having risky, casual sex, watching pornography, masturbating) constantly despite harmful consequences. Sex addicts often experience intense highs followed by a big low point with feelings of guilt and shame, and in order to cope with these low points, they seek out even more sexual experiences. Which inevitably leads to a dangerous vicious cycle.

Signs of sex addiction
But unlike physical conditions (such as heart problems or diabetes), mental health disorders like this can be difficult to diagnose. Still, there are some tell-tale signs: According to SASH, you likely have an issue with sex addiction if you have out-of-control repetitive behaviors such as:

Frequent casual sex
Having numerous affairs whilst in a relationship
Craving "risky" sex
Using pornography on a very regular basis
Using sex as a way to deal with problems and stress
Feeling unable to control sexual behavior even if you want to
Requiring increasing amounts of sex to achieve the same "high"
Lack of intimacy during sexual encounters

Most couples at one point or another deal with jealousy to some degree. It is a common occurrence in many relationships. Jealousy, also known as the green-eyed monster, can create a rift in a relationship, causing distrust and hurt feelings. Most women expect their man to be at least a little jealous from time to time. However, some women have the unfortunate luck to fall in love with a guy who has severe jealousy issues. So how can you tell the difference between a guy who can be occasionally jealous from a guy who is paranoidly so? Here are some signs that your guy may be a victim of the green-eyed monster.

He keeps tabs on you
It is quite natural to ask your partner where they are going and when they might be home. You want to know what they do when they are not with you. But if your guy calls you fifteen times a day to ask where you are and who you are with, that is not a good sign. Men with out-of-control jealousy issues want to know exactly where you were at what time of day. They want to know not just who you were with but what you said. He may even accuse you of talking about him. This is a controlling behavior and can make you feel like you are under house arrest with an ankle monitor.

He is never wrong
Men who wrestle with jealousy can have very aggressive personalities and have trouble admitting when they are wrong. "A jealous person gives the impression of being a very self-confident person," explains Paul A. Hauck, clinical psychologist and author of Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness, but it really stems from a low self-esteem and overwhelming insecurity.

You can't have friends
Men with jealousy issues want to control not just where you go and when, they want to control who you talk to. They feel the need to dictate who you can see. Any friends and family that they do not like are immediately scratched off the list. Guy friends are always the first to go because they cannot stand the idea of you speaking to another guy. It's called "suspicious jealousy", one which is not based on what you did or may have done, but rather is based on imagined threats. It is an ongoing cycle and if a woman is not careful, she will soon find that she can't have any friends at all and may even be ordered not to see her family.

He gets mad when you don't include him
Men with severe jealousy issues want to be involved in everything you do. This is one reason they grill women about their day. Therefore when a woman makes plans that do not include their guy, the man is going to get mad because he is hurt. It all goes back to their level of insecurities.

His jealousy causes him to get violent
Violence tends to go hand in hand with jealousy in men. Because they have not learned to control their jealousy, their frustration causes them to lash out around them. "Most jealous persons register their grievances loudly and clearly. They scream at their partners, smack them around, and hassle them shamelessly. Men have smashed their furniture or put their fist through walls," says Hauck. If your guy tends to hit things when he gets jealous, then you have a serious problem.

How to deal with his jealous antics
"Jealousy eventually can be very destructive to a relationship so it's important to prevent it from heading out of control," cautions Dr. Gabrielle Morrissey, a relationship counsellor and sexologist. Talk to your guy and let him know that you do not like his controlling attitude. Tell him how it makes you feel and reassure him that you still love him but his jealousy is causing problems between you.

But remember, if you want your guy to trust you, don't have anything to hide. "You should be an open book," says Dr. Phil McGraw, psychologist and TV personality. "Respect your partner enough to let him/her know where you are, when you will be back, and what you're doing."

Another important step is not to give in to unreasonable demands: "They get a control fix every time you reassure them, every time you answer the phone to report on your whereabouts," adds McGraw. "If he calls you 10 times to check in on you, answer the phone once to offer information, then turn it off." Know when to say no. Being submissive and trying to please them only encourages their behavior.

Your jealous man may just feel like you are ignoring him. Reserve some private time with him when you can connect as a couple. Stay home together or go some place alone where you won't be interrupted by friends and family. However, if nothing works and your man is still acting all green, get out of the relationship because chances are he will make your life miserable and end up alienating you from everyone who cares about you.


Your Paychex and Tax payment has been rejected - spam

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Giving up shopping???

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

10 Things You Should Know About Men

Ah the male species. Some things about them will always be hard to fathom -- like how they may be well-versed in every part of a car engine, but they're stumped when it comes to operating the washing machine. Or how they always choke on the words "I love you." But most of the time, men are actually pretty simple to 'get'.

Eris Huemer is a relationship and family counselor and coach. She and her husband, Clayton Winans, are about to release their newest book, The Man-ip-ulator™ vs. The Wo-man-izer™: Everything you need to know to get the relationship you want. This power couple dishes out ten universal things you need to know about what make men tick.

1. Men have needs just like you do
Women are often considered the needier sex, but guys are have their emotional needs, too, according to Huemer and Winas. They may not readily admit it, but "men need respect, praise, interest in what they do, support, encouragement, collaboration, understanding, love, time alone, etc., etc."

2. Men need respect
Find a woman who disrepects her guy, and you'll find a man who's halfway out the door. "A man is going to find respect somewhere," say Huemer and Winas. "If she doesn't give it to him, then he is going to find it someplace else."

3. Men need praise
What's the best way to get a man to please you, whether around the house or in bed? Give his self-esteem a boost. "Men constantly need to be reminded about how great they are," say Huemer and Winas. "If you ask him to do the dishes and he doesn't do them perfectly then appreciate the fact that he actually did them, even if it is not to your exact specifications. Nagging him about how inefficient he is and how you would have done a much better job is not in your best interest."

4. Men need you to be interested in what they do
Men want to be around women who care about what they love (his job, his hobby, whatever). "You don't have to live and breathe his interests," say Huemer and Winas, "but you should understand them enough to comment." For instance, ask about his day at the office when he gets home, show your excitement for his achievements at work. If he's had a stressful day, hear him out -- you don't even have to give advice. Most of the time, he just needs a listening ear.

5. Men need support and encouragement
"If you support him, he will support you," say Huemer and Winas. When he asks you do help, do the things you can to support him. "If you encourage him with his goals and dreams, he will be a better man for it."

6. Men need collaboration
In other words, men don't want to be told what to do or how to do it. "The best thing that you can do is manipulate him into thinking that he came up with the idea," say Huemer and Winas. He likes a relationship where you work together as a team, not a relationship where you're wearing the pants.

7. Men need understanding
Men may seem to be from Mars sometimes, but they really want to be understood. "When he takes the time to actually talk to you, don't blow it off or ignore it, just listen," say Huemer and Winas. Great communication between couples is key to connecting on a deeper, stronger level.

8. Men need love (and yes, that does include sex)
We all know sex is important to a man, but "love is not just sex," say Huemer and Winas. "Love is a look, a touch, a kiss, and stroking his ego." When you are attentive to his needs, he will be more willing to pay attention to yours.

9. Men need time alone
He needs a chance to explore a hobby, hang with the guys and unwind. "Allow and encourage him to do what he does to recharge" suggest Huemer and Winas. "If you do this, the time you spend with him will be even better." Of course, if time alone includes an addiction to porn, fantasy football and video games, you may want to reconsider your choice of man.

10. Men need your attention
You may think they're not very observant, but men pay attention to how their women address their needs, because as mentioned in the first point: Men are needy.


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Terrifying Ordeal - Urgent Help Needed - spam?

received this email from a fren I know... not sure if it is a spam or a virus from her address book that blasted the email without her knowledge... Below is the email content...

I'm writing this with tears in my eye, my family and I came down here to West Midlands, UK for a short vacation and got mugged at the park of the hotel we stayed, all cash, credit card and cell were stolen off us at GUN POINT but luckily for us we still have our passports with us but don't have enough money to sort the bills so we can get out of here.
We've been to the embassy and the police here but they're not helping issues at all and our flight leaves soon but we're having problems settling the hotel bills, and the hotel manager won't let us leave until we settle the bills, I'm freaked out at the moment and wondering if you could help us with a quick loan, I promise I'll refund it once we get home. Please write me so i can send you the info for the wire of the money to save me from the embarrassment of not being able to cover the bills.