Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a
scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early
retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be
eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced
Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will
be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired
Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice
and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings
for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who
are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management
has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives
employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough
SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can
Enjoy the Holidays!