Wonderful Definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise

be careful when you make a bet

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Mike, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Mike shows up with his attorney.The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.''I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Mike. 'How about a demonstration?'The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'Mike says, 'I'll bet you a $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.'The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'Mike removes his glass eye and bites it.The auditor's jaw drops.Mike says, 'Now, I'll bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye.'The auditor can tell Mike isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Mike removes his false teeth and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has bet and lost $3,000, with Mike's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Mike asks. 'I'll betyou $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Mike can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.Mike stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Mike's lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Mike told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.'

ENGLISH + CHINESE + CHINENGLISH

Ah Kaw was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

Mind boggling!

CLICK ON HOUSE

What goes around comes around

One day a man saw a old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her. Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fears can put in you. He said, 'I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.' Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt. As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St.. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way. He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, 'And think of me.' He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight. A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan. After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin. There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: 'You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.' Under the napkin were four more $100 bills. Well, there were tables’ to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard.... She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, 'Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.' There is an old saying 'What goes around comes around.' Today I sent you this story and I'm asking you to pass it on. Let this light shine.

Some Jokes to share

A quick laugh for 5 mins

Teacher : History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student : Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher : Why?Student : There is no future in it
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Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don't know maths..
Ted : You don't know my father!
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Mother : David, come here.
David : Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now
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Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
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A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash ofbreaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter : It's mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter : She didn't say anything
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Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
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Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
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Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
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Teacher: 'Where were u born?'
Student: ' Singapore , Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'
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A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?' Only one hand shot up. 'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher. ''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'
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Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'
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A boy came home from school with his exam results.
'What did u get?' asked his father.
'My marks are under water,' said the boy.
'What do u mean 'under water'?''
They are all below 'C' (sea) level'
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