No English Dictionary

haha... received this joke from email... just to share with everybody...

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I beg to differ because, there is!!!

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE"..

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...

"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!

7 Reasons not to mess with Children

Good day to all!! Just a lighthearted note to stay in touch.


Alittle girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


AKindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


ASunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


Ateacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Sick Leave..(This is too good!)

> I urgently needed a few days off work,
> but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
> I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
> he would tell me to take a few days off.
> So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
> My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
> I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb
> so that the Boss would
> think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
> A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
> and asked "What are you doing?"
> I told him I was a light bulb.
> He said "You are clearly stressed out.
> Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
> I jumped down and walked out of the office.
> When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
> the Boss asked her
>
>
>
> "...And where do you think you're going?"
>
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ( You're gonna love this..... )
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
> ..
> ...
> ..
>
> She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

Idiot sighting

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'Nooo, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich , Qld.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Bankstown , Sydney .....

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red..
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT! They walk among us...

A FEW SENIOR MOMENTS FOR MY CONTEMPORARIES .............

A Few Senior Moments For My Contemporaries - and something to look forward to for my 'younger' audience.


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An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'




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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants..'




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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'




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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'





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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write i t down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'




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A senior citizenship to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'



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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'


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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


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One more. . .!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Giving up shopping???

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Juz for laughs....

E-Mail From an Arab student to his daddy

received this email from friend... no offence... just read for good laugh...

For a good laugh!
Nice to be an Arab Son!




An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

-------------------------

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

No Emails today

No e-mails today sorry,





I can't respond to any e-mails today, something has crashed on my computer


















and the mouse is missing.

CHINESE AIR STEWARDESS - joke

received this from email... Do read this, quite funny but no offences...





'Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui speaking. On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like to welcome you on board our Bowling 737 from Shenzhen to Qingtao.

Members of my crew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know. It is a great pressure serving you to-die.

Should you need any resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are available to make you feel comfortable.

Meanwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry.

Peace sit upright and keep you belt tightly fastened until dinner is served at five dirty p.m..

Hope you would enjoy your fright with us. Funk kill.' (thank you)

把拔沒騙人 - joke

Husbands for Sale @ NY City

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ..... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.




The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.




The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:




Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!



Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!

(Just for laughs): From 0 to 100

3 men are sitting at a bar and are discussing what present they bought their wives.

The first says: "i bought something which goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds".

The other 2 guys dont know what he's talking about so he reveals "I bought her a nice Porche".

The second guy says: "I bought something which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds".

"That HAS to be a Ferrari - right? " - "Yeah that's right!? I bought my wife a nice red Ferrari".

The third one says " i bought my wife something which goes from 0 to 100 in just 2 seconds".

"THAT CAN'T ?BE - The Ferrari is the fastest car in the world?!"

"Well - it's not a car, but ..." (OPEN Picture)

Family Problem

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...

The Indian fainted…

NO SPEAKAH DA ENGLISH (joke)

Two Italian men get on a bus in London . They sit down and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma comes First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses; They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta Time.'

The lady can't take this any more.
'You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a Justa tellin my frienda how to spell " MISSISSIPPI "

I bet you're gonna read this again!


Explainations:
Emma comes First = letter M
Den I come = letter I
Den two asses come together = 2 letters SS
I come once-a-more = letter I
Two asses; They come together again = 2 letters SS
I come again and pee twice = letter I and 2 letters PP
Then I come one lasta Time = letter I

therefore = MISSISSIPPI

Short joke for the Monday morning

received this from friend... haha...


Oh Dear!!



I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

British English vs. Singaporean English

received this joke from email... read it...



Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Singaporean: No stock!

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Singaporean: Hello, who call huh?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporean: S-kew me..

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporean: No need lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporean: (pointing at the door) Can ah?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporean: No need shy one lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporean: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporean: Don't want lah.

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err...Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Singaporean: You mad ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporean: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?
Singaporean: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..
Singaporean: Die lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Singaporean: What happened ah? Why like that one lah?

WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.
Singaporean: Like that also don't know how to do!

SPAGHETTI - joke

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Human evolution - joke

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved..'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

冷笑

冷笑话1
從前....有兩個年糕，一直都黏在一起．．．
直到有一天，他們終於分開了！！！！
兩個年糕感到非常高興，然後他們就和對方互相GIVE ME 5．．．
不幸的他們倆又黏了回去．．．．．


冷笑话2
有一天，你走在路上，突然一隻母狗撲向你．．．
從你腳上咬了一塊肉並迅速吞下去．．．
當你正要伸腳踢它的時候．．．
母狗眼含淚光的向你說：'你打吧．．．反正我肚里已經有了你的骨肉！！！'


冷笑话3
有一个五岁男孩亲了四岁女孩的脸
四岁女孩就问那五岁男孩他会负责吗
五岁男孩就回答她说:放心吧 我们已经不是三岁小孩了


冷笑话4
小明說：「阿康，問你「有一隻鯊魚吃下了一顆綠豆,結果它變成了什麼「？」
阿康說：「我不知道，答案是什麼？」
小明說：「嘿！嘿！答案是「綠豆沙(綠豆鯊)「，你很笨喔！」


冷笑话5
美國人︰你看過木頭做的杯子嗎？
中國人︰沒有！
美國人︰那為什麼你們中國字的「杯「是木字旁？
中國人︰「杯「字旁邊不是有個「不「字嗎！也就是說它不是木頭做的。


冷笑话6
某女校鬧鬼。
有天被小紅遇上了。
鬼說：學妹。。。你看。。。我沒有腳。。。我沒有腳。。。
小紅：那有什麼。學姐你看，我沒有胸部，我沒有胸部。


冷笑话7
一塊三分熟的牛排和一塊5分熟的牛排在大街上遇到了,為什麼他們沒打招呼呢 ??
﹙假設他們會說話﹚

因為.....................

因為.........................

因為他們都不熟啊~~!哈哈