(Just for laughs): From 0 to 100

3 men are sitting at a bar and are discussing what present they bought their wives.

The first says: "i bought something which goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds".

The other 2 guys dont know what he's talking about so he reveals "I bought her a nice Porche".

The second guy says: "I bought something which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds".

"That HAS to be a Ferrari - right? " - "Yeah that's right!? I bought my wife a nice red Ferrari".

The third one says " i bought my wife something which goes from 0 to 100 in just 2 seconds".

"THAT CAN'T ?BE - The Ferrari is the fastest car in the world?!"

"Well - it's not a car, but ..." (OPEN Picture)

Menstrual Cycle

received this info from email...




*PASS THIS ON EVEN IF YOU DO NOT USE IT*

Recently this past week, Nicole Dishuk (age 31...newly graduated student with a doctoral degree about to start her new career as a Doctor....) was flown into a nearby hospital, because she passed out.

They found a blood clot in her neck, and immediately took her by helicopter to the ER to operate. By the time they removed the right half of her skull to relieve the pressure on her brain; the clot had spread to her brain causing severe damage.

Since last Wednesday night, she was battling... they induced her into a coma to stop the blood flow, they operated 3 times... Finally, they said there was nothing left that they could do... they found multiple clots in the left side of her brain... the swelling wouldn't stop, and she was on life
support...

She died at 4:30 yesterday. She leaves behind a husband, a 2yr old Brandon and a 4yr old Justin... The CAUSE of DEATH - they found was a birth control she was taking that allows you to only have your period 3 times a year... They said it interrupts life's menstrual cycle, and although it is FDA approved... shouldn't be - So to the women in my address book - I ask you to
boycott this product & deal with your period once a month - so you can live the rest of the months that your life has in store for you.

*Please send this to every woman you know - you may save someone's life... *Remember, you have a CYCLE for a reason*!

The name of this new birth control pill is *LYBREL** *. If you go to http://lybrel.com/, you will find at least 26 pages of information regarding this drug.

The second birth control pill is, *SEASONIQUE* . If you go to the website http://seasonique.com/, you will find 43 pages of information regarding this drug.

The warnings and side effects regarding both pills are horrible. Please, please forward this information to as many daughters AND sons, co-workers, friends and relatives. Several lives have already been changed.

When you feel bored at KFC

Family Problem

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...

The Indian fainted…

Brain - Blood clot - for everyone's safety

received this useful info from an email...

Please have a look....This 5 min may save a life and lots of tears.....

You could save a life.

STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Letters... S.T.R ...
My friend sent this to me and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree. If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks.

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a party, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. (they offered to call ambulance)

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm , Ingrid passed away.)
She had suffered a stroke at the party . Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.

Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. It only takes a minute to read this...

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Remember the '3' steps, STR . Read and Learn!
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster.
The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions :

S * Ask the individual to SMILE ..
T * = TALK. Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (eg 'It is sunny out today').
R * Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS .

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call the ambulance and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

NOTE : Another 'sign' of a stroke is
1. Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue.
2. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke.
A prominent cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.. and it could be your own..

PASS THIS ONE.

Re - spam email

another spam email received today...





hey.
Welcome to our website http://www.ugg51.com/. We are a big manufacturer and wholesaler UGG boots. If you are a buyer, we can cooperate with and provide you should be better with you and the best price and best service, our products. I accept PayPal!

E_M_ail: ugg51@HOTMAIL.COM
MSN: ugg51@HOTMAIL.COM

Hi - spam

received this email from this spam email sender: elenagalist@ysmail.ru
be careful, do read...




Hi,

My name is Elena, I has 32 years and I applying to you from Russia. I
employment in town library and I can use computer afterward work when
possible. We are having serious problem and I decided to send you this
desperately letter.

I have little daughter Anghelina, she is 8 years old, her father abandoned
us and we live together with my mother.

As result of deep economical crisis lately my mother miss job (a bakery
where she was worked was closed) and our situation became horrible.

Gas and electricity price is very expensive in our province and we unable
use it to heat our home anylonger.

It is very cold already in our region and weather becomes colder each day.
We very much distressed and we can not suppose what to do.

Only possibility for us to heating our home is to use portable wood burning
oven which provide heating from burning wood. We have sufficiency wood in
our city and this oven will heat our sleeping room completely winter for
minimal price.

Regrettably, we cannot purchase this oven in our local shop because it price
8170 rubles (equivalent about 191 Euros) and we don't have too much money.

If you own any old portable wood-fire oven and if you finished using it, we
will be very thankful if you can donation it for us and organize transport
this oven to our home (180 km from capital of Russia). That oven can be
different , they can be made from cast iron and weight 100 - 150kg.

I expect your answer.

Elena.
Russia

[ No Subject ] - spam

spam...




THE MONDAY LOTTERY BOARD.

The Monday Lottery wishes to inform you that the results of the E-mail address ballot lottery international program by Great Britain held is out.Your email account have been picked as a winner of a lump sum pay out of One Million Great Britain pounds (£1,000,000.00 pounds sterling) credited to file REF NO.REF:MNL/94-A0802742009. This is from total prize money of GBP 5,000,000.00 shared among the FIVE (5) international winners in this category.You are to contact our claims agent Mr. Micheal Smith for validation: VIA EMAIL: mondaynationallottery@gala.net


THE BENEFICIARY/OWNER OF THE WINNING EMAIL OF THE FUNDS SHOULD COMPLETE THIS CLAIMS FORM.

1. FULL NAMES OF BENEFICIARY:
2. YOUR COUNTRY
3 STATE AND CITY
4. DATE AND PLACE OF BIRTH:
5. PHONE/FAX NUMBERS:
6. NAME AND ADDRESS OF NEXT OF KIN:
7. SEX:
8. OCCUPATION:
9. MARITAL STATUS:
10. NATIONALITY:
11. REF NUMBER:
12. AMOUNT WON:


Note that you have only 7days to acknowledge this mail of or forfeit the claim of your win prize.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs. Winter Jeniffer.
Online Coordinator,
The Monday National Lottery.

Win over 50 prizes at the SITEX Ladies Go Tech Lucky Dip

26 – 29 November 2009
SINGAPORE EXPO
Halls 5, 6 AND FOYER 2
11AM – 9PM
FREE ADMISSION


source: http://www.shoppinglifestyle.com/acta/resource/20091112_sitex/

Greetings!! - spam

spam again...



Greetings!!!
You have a bank draft of $780,000.00 USD, which await the outstanding payment of $250 USD.Contact the TNT courier company for claims with your information. Contact person Mr.john terry,Email tnt_courierdelivery01@hotmail.com, Tel +234-703-379-44-97.fill in the vital information below

1.Name in full.
2.Address in full.
3.Nationality
4.Present Country.
5.Age.
6.Phone /Fax
7.Sex

Funds Clearance/Beneficiary

don't know what is the email about... be careful... spam email...



Tôi có thư mới!

Bây giờ bạn có thể gửi thư điện tử cho tôi tại: mr_kabo022@yahoo.com.vn

- Dear Friend, I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA.I am writting to seek your co-operation over this business deal.In my department, I discovered an abandoned sum of $31.800.000m USD only,in an acount that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in a plane crash that took place in Kenya,East Africa,the Late DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY,a citizen of Atlanta,United States of America but naturalised in Burkinafaso,West Africa and contractor with ECOWAS,(ECONOMIC COMMUNITY OF WEST AFRICAN STATES) .Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because it cannot be release dunless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately,all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this businness proposal to you and release the money to you via your foreign bank account as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and this money Could go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.The Banking law and guideline here stipulate that if such money remained unclaimed after 6 years,the money will be transfered into the Bank's treasury as unclaimed fund. The request for your assistance and maximum co-operation as a foreign citizen to stand as the next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the deceased customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. 40 % of this money will be for you as my foreign partner,in respect to the provision of a foreign account. 5 % will be set aside for minor expences incured during the business and 55 % would be for me. There after I will come over to your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated. Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged,you must apply first to the bank as the relation or next of kin to the deceased,indicating your claims and wherein the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of application which you will fill and forward to the office of the foreign remittance director of the bank of africa. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is strictly confidential and i will use my position in this Bank to effect a hitch free transfer of the fund. Trusting to recieve from you immediately through my alternative email id(mr_kabo20011@yahoo.fr). Please , visit the website below for more informations about the Plane Crash and the tragic death of the deceased and his entire family, Late DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY
Yours Faithfully,Mr Kabo.

ebay - spam email

spam email received...



Dear Sir / Madam:
I found a wonderful Watches
Web site has recently <>, in the past few months, I bought a Rolex and Vacheron Constantin. I am very satisfied with their service, low prices, good quality!
They sell such as product: PIAGET, Vacheron Constantin, radar, Longines, and so on ........

The Contact
E-mail: shenzhengoods2009@yahoo.cn
MSN: shenzhengoods2009@hotmail.com

I hope you can enjoy shopping from the company your own!

Please Reply Urgent - spam

spam!!!




Please Reply Urgent
Bill & Exchange Manager.
suleduha15@gmail.com

Mr.SULE DUHA.
Dear friend,
I am Mr.SULE DUHA ,Staff of Africa Development Bank (A.D.B) in Burkina faso. I would like you to indicate your interest to receive the transfer of$10.5 Million. I will like you to stand as the next of kin to my late client whose account is presently dormant, for claims.

(1) Full names:
(2) Private phone number:
(3) Current residential address:
(4) Occupation:
(5) Age and Sex:

Yours faithful,
Mr.Sule Duha
Bill & Exchange Manager.
suleduha15@gmail.com

Dannie Salmeron - spam

frustrated... spam mail again...




We will help get your self a degree without you going to a school or university, we promise you
Give us a call at this number 1-215 -602-2419 and we will do the rest for you, to get you a degree.

Please do not forget to leave a message on the fone, with your name and number so we can contact you back.


Scott M. Soloman





(Our large schools)..are organized like a factory of the late 19th C : top down, command control management, a system designed to stifle creativity and independent judgment.' David T Kearns CEO Xerox 'Most schools are drowning in events…An attention deficit culture' Peter Senge If we remain wedded to the way education is currently provided we cannot imagine other ways.. we need some imagination , some fantasy, some new ways of thinking - some magic in fact' Hedley Beare Prof
I believe we are afraid of recognizing how fundamental our lives would have to be changed if we should choose to work out
(Our large schools)..are organized like a factory of the late 19th C : top down, command control management, a system designed to stifle creativity and independent judgment.' David T Kearns CEO Xerox 'Most schools are drowning in events…An attention deficit culture' Peter Senge If we remain wedded to the way education is currently provided we cannot imagine other ways.. we need some imagination , some fantasy, some new ways of thinking - some magic in fact' Hedley Beare Prof
If the shoe doesn't fit, must we change the foot?' Gloria Steinem US Feminist
Knowledge is a polite word for dead but not buried imagination.' e e cummings us poet

750,934.00GBP has been awarded to You - spam

another spam email...



750,934.00GBP has been awarded to You.Provide Your Name:Address:Age: sex:
Occupation:Tel:Country:.This is to notify you.

Government 70% Grant To Help Singapore SMEs Navigate Through This Business Downturn

received this notification from SMa...




Dear Sir / Madam,

To help our Singapore Small Medium Enterprises (SMEs) navigate this economy slowdown with business excellence, SPRING Singapore has introduced the SMART program (also known as SME Management Action for Results)

This 70% or $3,500 funded program can help a SME to REDUCE risks, IDENTIFY opportunities, PLAN for the future, DEVELOP a roadmap, PRIORITIZE needs, STRENGTHEN management capabilities and ACHIEVE overall stakeholders’ consensus.

SMART is built on the Business Excellence Framework of SPRING Singapore that place focus on seven key critical business dimensions within a business environment namely; Leadership, People, Process, Customer, Planning, Result and Information

To qualify for the SMART funding, the SME must:

1. Own 30% local equity
2. Hire less than 200 employees
3. Fixed asset investment less than $15 million
4. Been in business for 3 years
5. Sales turnover more than $2 million

Contact Davin Tan at davintan@edc.org.sg /68263010 or Raymond Wong at raymondwong@edc.org.sg /6826 3023 for assistance on the SMART program.


Enterprise Development Centre@SMa

An ENTERPRISEONE Initiative of SPRING Singapore

Website: www.edc.org.sg

Unity in Diversity - A Concert to Warm Your Heart

For the first time, two unique leading bands in Singapore come together in concert to warm your hearts with their musical talent and versatility. The Singapore Army Concert Band and Singapore Police Band join hands to present a diverse yet unified musical experience never done before.

Tickets at $50 (Foyer Stalls) & $30 (Circle) from SISTIC (Prices exclude SISTIC fee)
Ticketing Hotline: 6348 5555
General Enquiries: 1800 210 2600

www.sistic.com.sg

source: http://www.comchest.org.sg/comchest/

HSBC's Online Red&White Oct - Dec 2009 Issue

received this promotiom from HSBC...


source:
http://www.hsbc.com.sg/1/2/miscellaneous/personal/rednwhite/red-and-white-enewsletter
http://www.hsbc.com.sg/1/PA_1_4_S5/content/singapore/rednwhite/nov09/ebook/index.htm

PROMOTIONAL AWARD 2009 NOTIFICATION

another spam received...





BRITISH CANADIAN LOTTERY BC-49,
70 Foster Drive, Suite 800, Sault Ste.
Marie, Ontario, P6A 6V2, Canada.
Winning No: 1 2 11 32 36 39
Bonus No: 12
Ref No: IMP/73253CA/2009
Batch No: 642376/CA/2009.

PROMOTIONAL AWARD 2009 NOTIFICATION
The Canadian Government in collaboration with the British Government and
the World Gaming Board are the sponsors of this online e-mail lottery for
compensation and grant for both past lottery winners and the entire world
public for purpose of infrastructural development as an online
compensation for all internet users. We happily announce to you the draw
of the Special Global 2009 Promotional Draw held on the Tuesday October
20th, 2009 in Manchester in the United Kingdom and Ontario Canada. Your
e-mail address attached to REF No; IMP/73253CA/2009, with Batch No:
642376/CA/2009 drew the Winning No: 1 2 11 32 36 39 Bonus No: 12 for
BC-49 Lotto under the choice of the lottery in the 1st category of
bi-weekly six. All participants were selected randomly from World Wide
Web site through computer draws system and extracted from over 10,000,000
companies and personal e-mails. So your e-mail is your online automatic
ticket that qualified you for this draw. You have therefore, been
approved to claim a total sum of £1,230,310 ( One Million Two Hundred and
Thirty Thousand Three Hundred and Ten Pounds Sterling). In view of this,
your £1,230,310 ( One Million Two Hundred and Thirty Thousand Three
Hundred and Ten Pounds Sterling) would be released to you by following
the directives of claims agent. Our London- UK agent will immediately
commence the processing of your funds as soon as you contact his office.
So you are required to forward the following details to our Accredited
Fiduciary Agent to help facilitate the processing of your claims:

Contact Person: Michael Foster.
Email: britcanadianclaimsbc-49@hotmail.com
Tel: +(44)7045746304

PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM:
(1) FULL NAME:
(2) FULL ADDRESS:
(3) AGE/SEX
(4) OCCUPATION
(5) TELEPHONE NUMBER:
(6) TOTAL AMOUNT WON:
(7) BATCH NUMBER AS LISTED ABOVE:
(8) BONUS NUMBERS:
(9) YOUR WINNING NUMBERS:
(10) COUNTRY:

*Winners are advised to keep their winning details/information from the
public to avoid fraudulent claim (IMPORTANT) pending the prize claim by
Winner.

Congratulation!!! From All Staff And Members Of The British Canadian
Lottery(BC-49) Commission

Sincerely,
Dr./Mrs. Nella Dooley
Lottery Controller General
BC-49 Lottery Commission.

Congratulation.....Dear Lucky Winner.!!!

another spam...




Congratulation Your Email-ID has been credited with (£1,23O,310 GBP) in the CAMELOT NATIONAL LOTTERY please contact Mr William Gore on (mrwilliam.gore@yahoo.ie) with your full information's,Names,Age,Contact
Address, e.t.c. Call Now with this telephone :+44-702-4077-675

With Regards,
Mr William Gore.
Telephone:+44-702-4077-675

Play with Casino bonus - spam

another spam email received...



Hey Casino Enthusiast,

Warm Greetings ! :)

Elite World Casino is delighted to announce a fantastic new player bonus!


Collect your $2400 Bonus Now!!!!

Thanks for your time..
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Meaningful Message by George Carlin

received this meaning article from a friend... do read...

This is a master piece. If you have not read it, take the time to read it now. If you have read it, take time to read it again!

GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...and George followed her, dying July 2008)



Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70s and 80s - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.


A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less.. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people......Who cares?

George Carlin

From S$ 3.30 a day, you can now sell your products at our new Suntec Singapore cell box shop

received this notification from 99auction.com...




(This is special promotion for 99auction.com users only)


Hi,
I am Kent (co-founder of 99auction.com). In my previous email to you, I introduced the coming new cell box shop, 99cell.com to you.

Originally, it was targeted to be lauched in Nov. Due to some delay on the tenancy negotiation, the launch date will be changed to December (i.e. before 10 Dec in order to catch the Christmas crowd).

The tenancy with Landlord is now confirmed. Our first cell shop will be at Suntec Singapore. Do find out more details on 99cell.com! We will open more shops if we find more prime and suitable locations.

Thank for previous overwhelming responses, we only left limited cell boxes. You may still make an online reservation to enjoy the speical monthly rate S$ 99 / box.

If you have previously reserved boxes, we'll send you another emails regarding deposits and cell box rental payment issues.

If you are still considering our offer? Here is some recalls:

"Have you ever thought of selling your products in a Prime shopping area shop? You may ever dream of how many folds of sales figures will be increased if you can afford the high rent and sales person salary there. I also have such dream as you do. Therefore, I come out an idea and wish it will benefit everyone.

We set up a new operation recently, it is called 99cell.com. Our objective is to open a new cell shop at Prime shopping area. We are inviting pioneer sellers to join us to grow together. Our cell box users can then rent cell box to display their products for the general public. We'll provide sales persons to assist you to sell to the customers.

As an accountant myself, I truly understand your concern on how high rental charge of the cell box will be. Unlike other cell shop owners, we simply look for mutual benefit and our focus is not on profit maximization. Therefore, we can offer you a far cheaper rental charge. Our cheapest rate is just S$ 99 per month (comparable with minimum S$ 150 or above that other companies may charge you). Besides, our shortest rental period is just 1 month, comparable with 3 months or more that other companies may insist. And we do not impose any sales commission. So you can get all your sales proceeds. We are sure that our rate and shortest term will benefit a real online sellers like you do.

Since the number of cell boxes are very limited, we'll accept new application based on first come first serve basis. Do act fast to grab the best box for you."

If you have further question, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Best regards,


Kent Kwok (FCCA, CPA HK, MBA)
PK International Pte Ltd
www.gigata.com - Your eGadgets Store in Singapore & Malaysia
www.99auction.com - Your Free online auction place
www.99cell.com - cell box shops for online sellers

Don't have a prescription?? - spam

received this spam email...

Don't have a prescription??Wait..don't make an appointment to your Doctor. We can fill all of your presciptlon requests promptly and online today. Come see. http://yutaktb.cn

KATE SPADE WAREHOUSE SALES